SYNOPSIS

A Mother and Father, a Man and a Woman, a Doctor and a Nurse, and an unfortunate victim all cross paths in a hospital and become intertwined in ways that push all boundaries of the appropriate and expected. Exploring the deeper comic underbellies of violence, sexuality, and caretaking, the playwright seeks to unburden the audience, to help them diminish their fear about moral issues, illness, and death.

CHARACTERS

The Father

The Mother

Their friends:

The Man

The Woman

Tina

The Doctor

The Nurse

SETTINGS

Hospital

Man's and woman's living room

Parents' home

Baths

Scene 1

The Father and Mother are pacing nervously up and down the hospital corridor. Tina enters, immaculately dressed in a sharp business suit.

TINA

There you are.

MOTHER

At last.

FATHER

What's the news?

TINA

I'm assuming you're the parents.

MOTHER

You know our boy?

TINA

Not personally.

MOTHER

Oh.

FATHER

Are you a doctor?

TINA

I'm a banker.

FATHER

How can we help?

TINA

I need to ask a few questions. Please answer with precision.

FATHER

Is it a survey?

TINA

Was he drunk?

MOTHER

I beg your pardon?

TINA

Your son. When they brought him here. Was he drunk?

FATHER

I haven't a clue.

MOTHER

They're not letting us see him.

TINA

You didn't ask if he was drunk?

FATHER

Well, we did but…

MOTHER

They've been ignoring us.

TINA

Leave it to me.

Tina opens her bag and takes out her filofax and a pen to jot down the parents' answers to her questions.

TINA

Would you say he was a heavy drinker?

FATHER

Well, he liked the occasional...

TINA

Was he often drunk?

FATHER

I wouldn't know.

TINA

When was the last time he was plastered?

FATHER

[to Mother] When was it?

MOTHER

New Year's Eve I think. He and the boys.

TINA

Is there a history of drug abuse?

MOTHER

God forbid.

TINA

Short-sightedness?

FATHER

A slight blurring in the right eye, that's all.

TINA

So he wore glasses then?

FATHER

No.

TINA

Why not?

MOTHER

He just didn't.

TINA

I'm assuming he had a license?

FATHER

He's just a kid.

TINA

Well, did he or didn't he?

FATHER

What?

TINA

Have a license?

FATHER

I don't know.

TINA

Brilliant.

MOTHER

Are you the police?

TINA

I'm a banker.

MOTHER

Oh.

FATHER

So why the questions?

TINA

Insurance.

FATHER

Whose insurance?

TINA

Mine of course.

FATHER

I don't understand.

TINA

You will when you see the state of my car.

MOTHER

Are you the one who did this to my boy?

The Mother is ready to pounce on her but the Father holds her back.

FATHER

Wait.

TINA

He's the one who crashed into me. The back of my car is a total write-off. It's a good thing I was wearing my seatbelt.

FATHER

Aren't you just happy to be alive?

TINA

Wait ‘til you hear what the damage is.

MOTHER

My boy is at death's door and all you can talk about is money.

TINA

The two things are completely unrelated.

FATHER

So how much will you need to mend your bloody car?

TINA

Hold on a minute and I'll tell you. [Referring to the sums she's scribbled in her filofax] A thousand for the fender, eight hundred and fifty for the doors—eight hundred and fifty for the paint job, a hundred for each of the tyres, a thousand for the trunk, a hundred for each headlight. That's a total of four thousand three hundred. Plus VAT.

The Father lets the Mother loose.

FATHER

Kill the bitch.

The Mother grabs Tina by the hair, they both start screaming.

Scene 2

The house of the Mother and Father's bourgeois friends. They're sitting across the table from each other, eating dinner.

WOMAN

At work today...

MAN

I'm in court tomorrow.

WOMAN

Guess who it ends up the boss is fucking?

MAN

It's going to have to be an early start.

WOMAN

Me.

MAN

Dad talks shit.

WOMAN

But we broke it off yesterday.

MAN

Oh.

WOMAN

You know you needn't be so afraid of him.

MAN

Afraid of who?

WOMAN

Your father.

MAN

What makes you say that?

WOMAN

You always do well in court.

MAN

How long ‘til the news?

WOMAN

I'm tired. After all these years.

MAN

What do you mean?

WOMAN

At work. I want something to help the time go by, I don't know, I want…

MAN

The remote. Where's the remote?

WOMAN

I don't know.

MAN

Never mind.

WOMAN

You make so much money; why do I need to work?

MAN

You make so much money; why do I need to work?

The phone rings.

MAN

If it's my dad, I'm not here.

WOMAN

Still not here.

MAN

Never here.

The Man takes his plate and sits in front of the TV.

WOMAN

[on the phone] There you are...where have you been? [and then quietly to the Man] It's not him. [on the phone] The police station?… Why? What happened?... Is he hurt? Don't worry, of course he'll come and get you out. That's what friends are for. Isn't it? [to the Man] It's for you.

MAN

What is it?

WOMAN

Their son's been in a car accident. They got into a fight with some madwoman at the hospital, all hell broke loose, it made the local news, and now they're at the police station.

MAN

Not again...

WOMAN

Looks like it.

MAN

Whose son? [He takes the phone.] Hello... [with forced concern] I'm sure he'll pull through... Where exactly are you?... I'll be right there. [He puts the phone down.]

The Man and Woman look at each other without talking.

WOMAN

Can I come too?

MAN

What for?

WOMAN

You never take me anywhere.

MAN

I don't follow you to work do I?

WOMAN

Even I hate going there. I never want to go back. I want to find something else, something more…

MAN

More significant?

WOMAN

[desperate] Please, please, please.

MAN

What?

WOMAN

Please let me come. I'll be as quiet as a mouse, it'll be as if I'm not even there.

MAN

I don't know.

WOMAN

It'll be as if I'm not even there.

MAN

I don't know.

WOMAN

As if I'm not even there.

Scene 3

The Doctor's consulting rooms at the hospital. Part of the room is curtained off. The Doctor and the Nurse are behind the curtain.

NURSE

Just a little bit lower, yes, that's good, that's it, there.

DOCTOR

There?

NURSE

Just there.

DOCTOR

Where are the parents?

NURSE

Only his mother's here. She's in a right state.

DOCTOR

Was she a passenger on his bike?

NURSE

Judging from her appearance.

DOCTOR

Don't move.

NURSE

Are you finished?

DOCTOR

Nearly there.

NURSE

Yes, come. Come. Now!

DOCTOR

There you go. I was holding back for you.

After a slight pause, the Doctor and the Nurse emerge from behind the curtain in a slightly dishevelled state.

NURSE

You took your time today.

DOCTOR

Is that a problem?

NURSE

The boy who was in the motorbike accident. His mother's waiting to see you.

DOCTOR

Ah, yes, the boy.

The Doctor begins to rehearse what he's about to tell the boy's Mother.

DOCTOR

NURSE

It'll do.

DOCTOR

Ok then, well off you go and don't forget, the boy's room is strictly out of bounds.

NURSE

Even to his mother?

DOCTOR

Especially to her. Send her in.

The Nurse exits and approaches Tina, who is stroking some detached part of her car.

DOCTOR

[to himself] Fucking job.

The Nurse comes back accompanied by Tina who looks a mess with a bruised eye and her hand in bandages. The Nurse exits.

DOCTOR

Please. Have a seat… I'm in the unfortunate position of having to announce to you…

TINA

It's bad, isn't it?

DOCTOR

Yes, and I'm in the unfortunate position of having to announce to you that the situation is even worse than appearances might initially suggest.

TINA

Oh God, what's the damage? Tell me.

DOCTOR

Damage?

TINA

How much is this whole thing going to cost me?

DOCTOR

With all due respect, there are more important issues at hand…

TINA

Such as?

DOCTOR

Well. But as I was saying, I'm in the unfortunate position of

having to announce to you…

TINA

I made the purchase with money from my mother's pension.

DOCTOR

The purchase? You say you made the purchase?

TINA

That's what I said.

DOCTOR

Well I know times have changed but all the same... I find your terminology slightly offensive.

TINA

What else should I call it?

DOCTOR

So has it been long since you "made your purchase" as you put it?

TINA

Years. I had another one before it. A Japanese one.

DOCTOR

And what happened to that?

TINA

Kicked the bucket.

DOCTOR

What?

TINA

Sucked it dry. Really got it to work for me. Years of abuse. It's understandable. Couldn't cope.

DOCTOR

And they keep giving them to you? Just like that?

TINA

They are replaceable for God's sake. If you've got the cash. Speaking of which…how much is the damage?

DOCTOR

My marriage is on the rocks because my wife can't conceive…and you… You just sit there and... You're a… You're just a...

TINA

I'm a what?

DOCTOR

You're just a... You're just a…

TINA

Go on, say it.

DOCTOR

You're just a…

The Doctor, who is unable to control himself, slaps Tina across the head. Tina screams.

Scene 4

The Woman arrives at the hospital. The Nurse has a deck of cards in front of her.

WOMAN

I'm here about the boy who was in the motorbike accident.

NURSE

Another one.

WOMAN

I came to give blood.

NURSE

[suddenly excited] Oh! You should have said. Is it just you or are there more coming?

WOMAN

It might be some time before the others get here. There's some papers they need to sign before they're allowed to leave the police station…

NURSE

The police station? Oh, well, doesn't matter if they're good or bad, just as long as they've got some blood in their veins. It's all that counts. We need blood.

WOMAN

Anyway, for now they sent me along to give some of mine.

NURSE

You're just in time. I've had enough of playing patience.

WOMAN

It's always me who gets to do the dirty work. Not that I'm complaining. Gives you something to do; I'm bored stiff otherwise. I've been bored all day… I've been bored all week. At home I hide the clocks. Makes time pass faster.

WOMAN

You know, I don't really want to give blood. Is it painful?

NURSE

He was in a motorbike accident. What do you think?

WOMAN

I've never given blood before.

NURSE

Shame on you.

WOMAN

Don't stain my dress. Blood stains.

NURSE

Off we go.

WOMAN

I faint at the sight of a needle.

The Nurse pushes the Woman into the surgery.

NURSE

So close your eyes.

Scene 5

The Father, the Mother and the Man are in the hospital corridor. The Mother is holding a bag of apples. They all sit down. The Mother gives an apple each to the Father and the Man. The Man takes three knives out of his pocket, gives one each to the Father and the Mother and keeps one for himself. All three of them peel and eat their apples. The Doctor walks by.

FATHER

Have an apple.

DOCTOR

Thank you.

MAN

I'm afraid we don't have a fourth knife.

MOTHER

I'll peel it for you.

DOCTOR

It's alright; I like the skin.

Scene 6

At the hospital. Tina is still dishevelled with both eyes bruised and a bandage on her arm. The Nurse is wrapping another bandage around her ear.

TINA

Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?

NURSE

I'm busy.

TINA

What's that supposed to mean?

NURSE

It means I have work to do.

TINA

Can't you work and talk at the same time?

NURSE

It's your bloody ear. Go on then.

TINA

It's about the boy.

NURSE

You're not his mother.

TINA

No, but he is the reason I'm here.

NURSE

What's your blood type?

TINA

O Negative.

NURSE

Great!

The Nurse starts jumping for joy.

TINA

What's up with you?

NURSE

Your blood type's very rare. How often do you give blood?

TINA

Never.

NURSE

Shame on you. Let's go.

TINA

Go where?

NURSE

You are going to give blood to save the boy, aren't you?

TINA

What gave you that idea?

NURSE

What?

TINA

[she opens her filofax] I'm going to ask you a few questions. Please answer with precision.

NURSE

Your blood can save a lot of people from dying.

TINA

I couldn't care less.

NURSE

One day you'll be the one who needs it.

TINA

We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

NURSE

Your blood is O Negative and you're telling me that you're not planning to give me any.

TINA

That's what I said. No way.

NURSE

No what?

TINA

No way. Read my lips: N.O. No.

NURSE

No?

TINA

No.

NURSE

You're just a... You're just a...

TINA

Here we go again.

NURSE

You're just a… You're just a...

TINA

I don't think I'll stay for the next part.

Tina makes a move to go but the Nurse grabs her by the hair, tackles her to the floor and begins to kick her legs ferociously. Tina tries in vain to defend herself, all the while screaming for help.

Scene 7

The Doctor's consulting rooms.

DOCTOR

The situation is serious.

WOMAN

How bad is it?

DOCTOR

Broken hips, spine displacement, punctured lungs, fractured thigh bones, general abrasions, first degree burns on seventy percent of the skin surface.

WOMAN

Teeth?

DOCTOR

All gone.

WOMAN

That sounds bad.

DOCTOR

It is.

WOMAN

How will he chew?

DOCTOR

He won't.

WOMAN

I see. Have you administered pain relief?

DOCTOR

Naturally.

WOMAN

Can't you finish him off?

DOCTOR

It's illegal.

WOMAN

There's bound to be exceptions.

DOCTOR

We'll see.

WOMAN

Perhaps your palm needs a little greasing.

DOCTOR

Perhaps you need a little greasing.

WOMAN

I prefer it without. Do you have children?

DOCTOR

No.

WOMAN

Neither do we.

DOCTOR

It's a bit of an issue.

WOMAN

Not much of an issue.

DOCTOR

Which one of you is sterile?

WOMAN

It's his father.

DOCTOR

In our case, it's my wife who's got the problem.

The Doctor takes the woman by the hand and leads her behind the screen.

WOMAN

All men say the same.

DOCTOR

In our case, I promise you it's true.

WOMAN

Then don't come inside me.

DOCTOR

I have condoms.

WOMAN

Who trusts condoms?

DOCTOR

Doctors do.

Scene 8

The Nurse is taking blood from the Mother. The Father has passed out.

MOTHER

It's because they don't get periods. They're not used to it.

NURSE

Possibly.

MOTHER

Most men faint at the sight of blood.

NURSE

John Hague was an exception.

MOTHER

Who?

NURSE

John Hague, the London vampire.

MOTHER

Is that a book?

NURSE

No, it's a true story. They hung him in 1969.

MOTHER

Never heard of him.

NURSE

One day he accidentally injured his right hand and the blood started flowing like a torrent.

MOTHER

Did he faint?

NURSE

He started to lick it.

MOTHER

Did he like it?

NURSE

He thought it was the real thing, life itself: warm, salty, sticky. It became a habit.

MOTHER

He drank his own blood?

NURSE

Mostly other peoples'. He butchered a dozen or so. The first time he sliced his victim's throat with a penknife. He tried to drink the blood but it was hard to control the flow of it, spraying and gushing all over the place as it was, so he didn't find it easy. He held his victim over the kitchen sink and tried to catch most of it with a glass but to no great effect.

MOTHER

Then what?

NURSE

Sucked it straight from the wound. Are you feeling all right?

MOTHER

Could I get a glass of water?

The Mother faints. The Father comes to.

FATHER

What's wrong with her?

NURSE

[puzzled] She fainted.

FATHER

Women. Show them a drop of blood…

Scene 9

In the hospital corridor the Man and Woman are eating chocolate bars and looking confused. Tina, who is still looking battered and bruised plus has a bandaged leg has taken a pocket-sized mirror out of her handbag and is applying some make-up to minimize the damage.

TINA

Are you visiting someone?

MAN

The child of a friend of ours.

TINA

Well it wouldn't be your own would it?

WOMAN

I beg your pardon?

TINA

Couples who don't have children look different. It's in the faces.

WOMAN

What is?

MAN

What about you?

TINA

I'm not married if that's what you're asking but when I do get married the first thing I'll do is have a child. Children bring happiness. Are you happy yourselves? As if… How could you be? I mean just look at you.

WOMAN

We are. Happy.

TINA

You don't look it.

WOMAN

You see that in our faces too, do you?

TINA

Why not separate? Why put up with each other night after night? Look at her. Just take a look. How can you bear to have her near you? And you, yes you, how can you stand to have him in your bed?

WOMAN

Stop it.

TINA

It's just that you're scared of being on your own, isn't it? Don't be ashamed, everybody's frightened of being lonely.

MAN

Don't listen to her, she's mad.

TINA

But you're already lonely.

WOMAN

Stop it. Just stop it. You're just a… You're just a…

TINA

A what?

WOMAN

You're just a…

TINA

I think I have to go now.

Tina makes a move to go but the Woman grabs her and begins to beat her. The Doctor walks by. Tina escapes the Woman's grasp and runs towards him.

TINA

Help me Doctor!

The Doctor slaps her and the Man follows suit. Tina panics and runs to save herself.

WOMAN

Good riddance to her.

DOCTOR

If you'll excuse me, I have work to do.

The Doctor leaves.

WOMAN

Now what?

MAN

I don't know.

WOMAN

Let's play the newsflash game.

MAN

I'm bored.

WOMAN

Please. Please play it with me.

Both of them suddenly hold make-believe microphones in their hands.

WOMAN

Do you have a statement to make?

MAN

My client found herself the victim in a premeditated act of aggression, there was no course left open to her other than to defend herself. The woman you have just seen on your television screens was not in fact injured in the least, just heavily made-up to make it appear so. Disguising herself as the tragic victim of countless accidents, she roams hospital corridors preying on unsuspecting citizens. If you happen to see her please call your local police station immediately to report your sighting...

There is a deafening noise.

MAN

What's that?

WOMAN

This is so much fun.

Scene 10

The Doctor's consulting rooms. Tina is splayed out on the floor in a semi-conscious state. The Doctor and the Nurse are eating potato chips.

NURSE

She was run over by an ambulance.

DOCTOR

This woman is a walking accident.

NURSE

What shall I do with her?

DOCTOR

Wrap her up in bandages.

NURSE

Won't you examine her?

DOCTOR

Don't even want to look at her, let alone examine her.

NURSE

She's a mess.

Scene 11

In the hospital corridor. The Man is sprawled out on one of the chairs taking a nap. The Woman and the Mother are sitting close by, smoking.

MOTHER

…In the mornings he'd walk around the house with nothing on and you know what boys are like at that age.

WOMAN

Hard-ons and all that?

MOTHER

I beg your pardon?

WOMAN

Would he have an erection? They usually do first thing in the morning.

MOTHER

I never really looked, but he might have had. I'd asked him a million times to wear his underwear on his way to the bathroom.

WOMAN

Why?

MOTHER

He never listened to me. Said he hated wearing briefs.

WOMAN

Tight briefs make men sterile. I read that somewhere.

The Man blinks.

MOTHER

I don't know but I did buy him a dozen pairs of white boxer shorts and left them just outside his door.

WOMAN

Why didn't you take them into the bedroom?

MOTHER

I'd never do that. Anyway it was all a waste of my time really.

WOMAN

He never wore them.

MOTHER

Oh no, he did wear them.

WOMAN

Waste of your time.

MOTHER

It's just that...you'll never guess what he did. He took out his camera, took a few pictures of his privates, made photocopies of them, took the photocopies to one of those shops, you know, where they transfer your favourite snapshot onto a T-shirt or something, and printed them on each of the pairs of boxers I'd bought him…

WOMAN

How poetic.

MOTHER

What?

WOMAN

Was he erect? In the pictures?

MOTHER

I don't know. How would I know? [confidentially] I think in half of them he was.

Scene 12

In the doctor's office.

FATHER

I would appreciate it if you made an exception.

DOCTOR

Go on.

FATHER

And allowed me to see my son. My wife wouldn't be able to cope but I need to see him.

DOCTOR

Are you cheating on her?

FATHER

…?

DOCTOR

Are you fucking around? You can tell me, I'm a doctor.

FATHER

Em...no. Not often.

DOCTOR

Hmmm…

FATHER

What?

The Doctor becomes pensive.

FATHER

Is it serious?

DOCTOR

When was the last time?

FATHER

About a year ago.

DOCTOR

Who with?

FATHER

A colleague at work.

DOCTOR

Any good?

FATHER

She was all right.

DOCTOR

But what?

FATHER

I regretted it.

DOCTOR

Why?

FATHER

I don't know; I often regret things.

DOCTOR

I enjoy a bit of variety myself.

FATHER

You ought to take precautions.

DOCTOR

Oh, I do.

FATHER

Why…?

DOCTOR

Why do I take precautions?

FATHER

Why isn't your wife enough for you?

DOCTOR

I enjoy a bit of variety.

FATHER

Yes, naturally.

DOCTOR

Isn't that natural?

FATHER

Naturally.

DOCTOR

Do you enjoy a bit of variety?

FATHER

It's quality I appreciate.

DOCTOR

And variety.

FATHER

Naturally.

DOCTOR

And experimentation?

FATHER

It's all right.

DOCTOR

Experimentation isn't a bad thing you know.

FATHER

Why do you say that?

DOCTOR

Otherwise things become a trifle tedious, don't they?

FATHER

Naturally.

DOCTOR

Would you ever have sex with a man?

FATHER

NEVER.

DOCTOR

Have you given it much thought?

FATHER

I don't think I have.

DOCTOR

Me neither.

FATHER

Naturally.

DOCTOR

Not even if it was the only way you could get to see your dying son?

FATHER

Not even then.

DOCTOR

Me neither.

FATHER

Naturally.

DOCTOR

Yes, naturally.

FATHER

Now, will you let me see my boy?

DOCTOR

Entry is strictly forbidden.

FATHER

I'll get undressed.

DOCTOR

God forbid.

FATHER

Naturally.

Scene 13

The Nurse and the Man are chasing each other around the surgery.

MAN

You brought me here under false pretences.

NURSE

You'll get what you want once you've given me some of your blood.

MAN

Anything? What are your conditions?

NURSE

[slyly] Tell me what you want.

Breathless, they stop chasing each other around the room.

MAN

Say for instance that there is someone I absolutely loathe, would you help me get rid of them?

NURSE

Who is it?

MAN

…My father.

NURSE

Your father.

MAN

Yes, maybe.

NURSE

Why?

MAN

Let's say for the sake of it that he drives me up the fucking wall.

NURSE

I understand.

MAN

Do you really?

NURSE

Yes, really.

MAN

He's messing with my head.

NURSE

Mine too.

MAN

My father?

NURSE

My husband.

MAN

We could suffocate them.

NURSE

Does he beat you?

MAN

He's never satisfied.

NURSE

Neither is mine.

MAN

Does he belittle you?

NURSE

Continuously.

MAN

They're all the same.

NURSE

That's what I always say but we can't live without them.

MAN

You're depressing me.

NURSE

Is he any good in bed at least?

MAN

Is yours?

NURSE

[bitterly] Dynamite.

MAN

I don't know about mine.

NURSE

Forgotten, have you?

MAN

He used to take me to an amusement park near where we lived. It was winter and he'd hold me by the hand. He'd let me have a go in the bumper cars.

NURSE

Would he get into the bumper car with you?

MAN

From time to time.

NURSE

Then what?

MAN

Then he'd laugh. I remember him laughing.

NURSE

When was this?

MAN

A long time ago. I think they're the only happy memories I have of him.

NURSE

Did he die?

MAN

No.

NURSE

We're soft so people step all over us. It's our nature, you see.

MAN

[half question] Our nature.