Warning: This play’s got a laugh track. Scene 1 A man facing Van Gogh’s “Self Portrait with Bandaged Ear” scratches his right ear. did he miss it Not enough to hear the rest of the story The man turns to face forward. He’s putting on a clown nose. This morning driving on the highway I saw a dog walking against traffic and I thought It’s God What are you laughing at How do you know it wasn’t Him After all, have you seen Him I don’t get it I still don’t get it What do people laugh at You What are you laughing at This man he walked an entire day just to see the woman he loved take off with her new husband and so he began to paint He challenged his era his teachers Convention and he wasn’t understood He lived off his brother’s handouts Never managing to show any of his works But he continued painting He always believed that in the end there’d be something He went crazy and didn’t sell a painting He cut off an ear and didn’t sell a painting He killed himself And not even that sold a painting That happened a hundred years later A vase of sunflowers sold for 39 million dollars With that kind of money, he could’ve bought himself an ear Or an entire body If that would’ve floated his boat But what’s this story mean Why is it always referred to in self-help books I should be grateful for not being a painter For not having talent For having both ears Just like my third grade teacher always preaching always out to help us saying Let us give thanks for being whole For counting on two hands And two legs For not needing any help getting around And today today precisely today After seeing God walking against traffic on the highway I listened to the news A paraplegic woman avoided getting raped Fending it off by using her prosthetic leg as a weapon She beat her assailant with the leg until he lost consciousness They didn’t say dead only unconscious It’s very much on my mind what are you laughing at Where would my third grade teacher be now Would she have been told Would she have cut off an ear after hearing the story I don’t think so Surely the bitch lives in a safe neighborhood or she wants to be brutally raped just like that just to feel something Because the bitch had a thing against cripples She couldn’t bear seeing them begging in the street walking like that with their irregular gait maybe it offended her saying that two plus two didn’t make four The old bitch and her paraplegic pitter-patter Rite Pool roars with laughter. Laugh Why aren’t you laughing Want to hear a joke My name is Rite Pool Scene 2 Rite Pool walks over to a parking meter. He fills it with change. He takes a seat next to it. Where did it all begin With Genesis I suppose For me it began with a table A table with three legs Tilted like a cheap Picasso it was our kitchen table it was also the ring for my parents’ fights. One argument we’d tip it to one side Another and we’d tip it to the other Don’t drink water at my table don’t put down boiling milk Mom’s argument can get you wet and Dad’s can burn you It was hard eating at our table but we did it It was there that I told my first joke Mommy’s stupid Dad laughed while tilting the table toward his side Daddy’s stupid And both of them laughed Tilting the table from one side to the other Soon enough my siblings came to see what was happening And I tilted the table From one side to the other Mommy stupid Daddy stupid And we all laughed as if we were happy Barely four and I’d already told my first joke And then school So poor and full of tilted tables and stupid people Above all the teachers Like that grim reaper I had in first grade The one who cried at my feet telling me that I’d end up a garbageman Even now I can’t understand the cause of her tears Considering what a shit she was Soon enough she sent me to the Principal’s office In the end, she didn’t know what to do with me but the Reaper never figured on my wit winning over that man So much so that he assigned me the homework of telling six jokes every Monday after the Pledge of Allegiance A pledge that he confessed he hated for its solemnity and bad rhymes That was the first of his confessions It was also the title of my first routine Solemnity and bad rhymes That’s how I began my career telling six jokes on Mondays after the Pledge of Allegiance Solemity and bad rhymes I became so popular at school that the Principal decided that he himself would teach me Little did young Pool learn of sums and remainders On the other hand the Principal confessed his entire life About his sleepwalking mother who saw ghosts in electric poles A danger to one and all of his unfaithful wife’s barren womb of love forbidden by the fourth grade teacher’s polyester apron And each Monday after the Pledge six jokes two about unfaithful wives two about old ladies getting electrocuted and two about polyester He kicked me out of course And I was only eight years old He rises and deposits more change in the parking meter. He sits back down. And then a new school With its tables chairs teachers and it’s complete perfect students all of them complete the only incomplete one there was me You want to hear a joke My name is Rite Pool What size who knows I could be Olympic-size, I could be a kiddie pool I could be nothing but a tin bucket with delusions of grandeur Truth is I don’t know Sometimes I laughed with them even though inside I was crying But I kept on In other places I kept on seeing incompleteness Tables Chairs People Dogs They cried While inside I was laughing And I kept on Always believing that in the end there’d be something He confirms that the parking meter is still full. Then came the real world Working at the Three Trapped Tigers telling jokes instead of begging and just like in Genesis I needed a comrade An Eve a sidekick An Izzy Dedley For every twenty miserable fools an Izzy Dedley a happy man a happy man with whom I plunged into Solemnity and bad rhymes I was Solemnity He brought the bad rhymes Along with a recently stolen joke Izzy always said that with a small-time crook for a father And a mother who took in dirty laundry he was nursed on vice All of his jokes were stolen But that wasn’t his worst sin The worst thing about Dedley was that he couldn’t even make his mother laugh Even though he said he could I wonder what became of him Could he be dead could he have cut off an ear I don’t think so He gets up one more time to put change in the parking meter. A man enters hurriedly carrying a painting in his hand. It seems like he’s been on the run. He comes to a stop in front of Rite Pool. IZZY DEDLEY Rite Pool RITE POOL with disgust Dedley It’s you IZZY DEDLEY What are you doing here RITE POOL Dedley IZZY DEDLEY You wait Like the chicken in front of the roaster Hoping his mama escapes unspeared like that tiny bagel by the toaster praying his parents avoid getting schmeared RITE POOL It’s you No doubt about it IZZY DEDLEY Probably you don’t know whether to take off on foot or to wait for a dog like those two little fleas outside the movies Which one’s your car RITE POOL You’re in a rush I could tell from a mile away IZZY DEDLEY Nope Believe it or not I just got out of the joint RITE POOL Like father like son IZZY DEDLEY Nope I went there to do a gig And well sure I did spend some time in the slammer But now I’m out RITE POOL Surely they’re waiting for you at home IZZY DEDLEY No No one’s waiting Which one’s your car RITE POOL Don’t got one And that thing you brought here IZZY DEDLEY It’s a painting that they lent me Rite takes the painting. It’s a lithograph of Van Gogh’s 39 million dollar “Sunflowers.” RITE POOL You know Dedley This painting could buy an ear IZZY DEDLEY An ear But I still have both Mr. Pool RITE POOL Or a new body if that would float your boat IZZY DEDLEY Seriously RITE POOL It’s too bad that Sarah Bernhardt never had a picture like this one IZZY DEDLEY Lucky me RITE POOL She should’ve taken up painting IZZY DEDLEY What for If her acting was already so good and what if her painting was bad maybe they should have had her sing No Mr. Pool Why paint RITE POOL Because at the height of her career a leg got cut off IZZY DEDLEY Ay RITE POOL And the Ringling Brothers bought it for a hundred thousand dollars IZZY DEDLEY Was it worth that much RITE POOL The damned leg wasn’t worth much to them when attached to the rest of her body But when it was on its own it made more money than Bernhardt IZZY DEDLEY I don’t recall any jokes about legs who’ve left their owners RITE POOL I do but that wasn’t it IZZY DEDLEY So tell it then RITE POOL No It’s too early you know Izzy I’ve been thinking about cutting off my right leg IZZY DEDLEY No way Rite how would you get to the store to buy a bite RITE POOL Or my left arm IZZY DEDLEY No way Rite Without arms how could you fight Cutting off an ear–now that might be bright RITE POOL No No way Dedley It’s been done IZZY DEDLEY We’ll listen to secrets and extort big fees RITE POOL No way, Dedley It’s way way way too cheesy IZZY DEDLEY And then, and then…we’ll issue decrees RITE POOL No way Most likely my leg my arm or my ear would end up worthless if they left me Dedley and Rite share a complicit look. They begin to laugh. RITE POOL I bring Solemnity IZZY DEDLEY And I the bad rhymes They get back to laughing. IZZY DEDLEY Let’s go back RITE POOL No way IZZY DEDLEY We’re as good as we ever were RITE POOL Nothing is like it was IZZY DEDLEY We have a mission Rite RITE POOL A mission IZZY DEDLEY Laughter Rite Laughter RITE POOL What do people laugh at Dedley IZZY DEDLEY At jokes I think RITE POOL One about blacks One about midgets One about old people IZZY DEDLEY At good jokes of course RITE POOL One about the drowned One about the burned Or better yet One about the crucified IZZY DEDLEY We have to do it There’s a tremendous lack haven’t you heard Rite shakes his head no. IZZY DEDLEY They try and they try but it all lacks pacing Now I’m the one whose jokes they’re casing Can’t you see what we’re facing RITE POOL A bad comic is attacked in the street And the only thing that can make them stop Is his jokes It has wit IZZY DEDLEY You get it already my friend of good name I believe that it’s destiny–you and I are the same I knew there was a reason I stole the frame RITE POOL I’m sorry Dedley But I can’t IZZY DEDLEY Come on Rite I would chop off my right leg Just to rent the Three Trapped Tigers And go back there with you RITE POOL Then cut them both off They’re going to demolish it in three weeks IZZY DEDLEY Just enough time for a short run RITE POOL I can’t Dedley I’m tired IZZY DEDLEY Let’s make the most of the time that’s left at the Three Trapped RITE POOL Tired without even the energy of those who get dressed up just to throw themselves into traffic IZZY DEDLEY Me too But I keep on keeping on RITE POOL You think that in the end there’d be something Silence. IZZY DEDLEY What’s that joke about the leg that’s left its owner RITE POOL You don’t know it IZZY DEDLEY No RITE POOL You’re sure you’ve never heard it IZZY DEDLEY So tell it RITE POOL Not here IZZY DEDLEY Come on Rite RITE POOL I don’t know if I want to tell it IZZY DEDLEY Rite RITE POOL It’s too early IZZY DEDLEY I’ll give you my painting RITE POOL This doesn’t seem like the right place IZZY DEDLEY Where then RITE POOL I don’t know Maybe the Three Trapped Tigers is the place Scene 3 In the Three Trapped Tigers three patrons slice onions. They make noise with their knives, creating a rhythm, a strange symphony, only stopping to dry their tears with handkerchiefs provided by a barmaid. CRISTO SUAREZ One day he showed up He cased the whole house He spat on the furniture Kicked the dog Slept with my old lady And hit my children Since then he’s been living with us I don’t know how to get him out How to say Beat it SABINO DIAZ Let’s go let’s go let’s go So what if you’re in a rush You still haven’t gotten very far Let’s go let’s go let’s go Don’t make me laugh The guy who’ll fuck his mother is you Well then Who’s the late one now Let’s go let’s go let’s go Don’t fall behind Let’s go let’s go let’s go Listen up Move it JOSEFINA MILETO You don’t love me That much is clear But at least have the courage to come here and say it to my face Why did you send her There’s something I can’t tell her something between us a secret something invisible Three months ago I got AIDS and three months ago you were still with me Yes my dear Go rot Dedley and Pool are seated with their backs turned. They’re both wearing party hats. RITE POOL Come on Dedley This is how you wanted it IZZY DEDLEY I feel nauseous RITE POOL Like in the old days IZZY DEDLEY It’s not nerves It’s that horrible onion smell Where’s it coming from RITE POOL You’ll get used to it Let’s take the leap You go first Dedley hops into the ring. He has tears in his eyes. Rite waits with his back to him. IZZY DEDLEY This place reminds me of a joke None of the three trapped patrons put down their knives. To lift Dedley’s spirits, Rite pulls out a machine that plays laugh tracks. IZZY DEDLEY A daddy louse and his little boy take a stroll across a bald man’s head The daddy stops and says When I was your age this was a forest The knives continue. Rite turns on the laugh track. Dedley is on the edge of tears. IZZY DEDLEY When I was your age well when I was young this place was Was Dedley breaks down and cries. Rite gets out of his chair. He’s wearing dark glasses, and he wanders toward the audience like a blind man in the night. RITE POOL Suarez Are you here Suarez drops the knife. RITE POOL Drop that onion Cancer AIDS And all the other illnesses remain incurable Suarez cracks up. Dedley is surprised. RITE POOL Diaz Diaz drops the knife. RITE POOL Did you hear about the economic crisis Only twenty more years of this and we’re good I know I can’t afford the subway either But I still have some spare rope at home You want some Diaz cracks up. Suarez joins him, but Mileto’s knife still remains. RITE POOL Mileto Mileto slams the knife on the counter. The knife music has ceased, now all that remains is the out-of-control laughter of Suarez and Diaz. RITE POOL Not so long ago I got a letter from a girl who had no legs She said that my jokes about amputees made her miss sex less She asked me out but I turned her down Mileto laughs frenetically, to one side of Suarez and Diaz. Dedley collapes. IZZY DEDLEY What’s going on Is the mission accomplished RITE POOL Control yourself Dedley Just think where we would be if Van Gogh Had sold a picture Everyone laughs, except for Dedley. Rite takes off his sunglasses. RITE POOL So Dedley You want to hear a joke Dedley nods yes. RITE POOL One day I got up and my legs had taken off Everyone, including Dedley, laughs. RITE POOL They were long gone They’d taken off for good But they left me a note that said Thanks for everything but it’s time for us to find our own paths PS We got bored No one laughs. Not a sound. RITE POOL And there I was In bed without legs The phone ringing And me without legs Wanting to pee And without legs Wanting to scream and without legs There I was IZZY DEDLEY And then Rite RITE POOL Then Rite turns on the laugh track. Scene 4 Some wicker chairs, a night table with a drawer, and in the bed, Rite Pool, sleeping. The place is suspiciously similar to “Van Gogh’s Room at Arles” (1889), but it’s not identical. A clock lying on the night table decides to wake Pool up with its alarm. Pool wakes up startled and knocks the clock off the table. The alarm doesn’t stop ringing. Pool wants to reach the clock on the floor, but at each attempt it escapes. He pulls the blankets off, and tries to get up, but his damned legs have taken off. As a reminder there appears a note on the wall “PS–we got bored.” Pool takes a breath, then drinks a cup of tea in a single gulp. The alarm doesn’t stop ringing, but it feels lonely, which is why the phone decides to keep it company. The telephone is far away, enough so that he can’t reach it. Pool takes another cup of tea out of the night table drawer. He drinks it in a single gulp, and tries to find the melody in the happy accompaniment of the clock and the phone, after all what else can one do if one doesn’t have legs. Pool starts to smell something burning. He looks back over the bed, then at the furniture, but there’s nothing. Nevertheless the smell is overpowering. Fire Fire Fire To the happy melody of the clock and the telephone is added the fire alarm, even though there continues to be no trace of fire. Help Help For this invalid in danger Someone The doorbell starts to ring with desperation, as the last chime in the symphony between the clock, the phone, and the fire alarm. Pool wants to fight for his life by turning off the alarm, answering the telephone and opening the door but he isn’t able to get out of bed. He searches desperately in his night table drawer, and only finds the laugh track machine. Its activation adds the final touch to the symphony. Then everything quiets down. Calm, pure calm. But suspicion rises as to who will be next. Even the chairs in their stiffness look malicious. Pool looks at the chairs. The chairs look at him. No one moves. Pool calms down and takes a cup of tea from his drawer. He toasts the chairs. You guys understand me Rite drinks his tea calmly. He laughs. He goes back to the same old thing. What would my third grade teacher say if she saw me now Who do I have to thank now Answer me slut I feel so incomplete In the end I suppose they never much liked me Those pains in the knees Those corns in the soles Those ingrown toenails They’ve made my life miserable where have they gone I’ve waited enough in this life All my life I’ve spent waiting I wonder what they’re doing now are they shaving Two shaved legs stroll down the street hoping to be picked up And they pull it off Pool feels a sudden desire to pee, but the bathroom is very far away. So far that the bladder decides to empty itself. Pool sighs with relief. The alarm starts ringing again. It peals with insistence. Pool relaxes in bed and turns on the laugh track. Dedley enters the room through the window. IZZY DEDLEY Why didn’t you open the door I’ve been ringing for an hour Pool is silent. IZZY DEDLEY Oh Rite Your legs RITE POOL They took off IZZY DEDLEY And to the Three Trapped Tigers RITE POOL Talented morons Don’t they have anywhere else to go Come on we need to go get them IZZY DEDLEY No Rite Someone has your legs RITE POOL And who could that be a cripple Dedley shakes his head. a damned gimp Dedley shakes his head. A fetish freak Dedley shakes his head. A transvestite Dedley shakes his head. That pervert Josefina Mileto IZZY DEDLEY No It’s a guy RITE POOL A guy IZZY DEDLEY A guy RITE POOL What guy IZZY DEDLEY A guy with your legs RITE POOL And how do you know they’re mine Were they clean-shaven IZZY DEDLEY They’re yours The guy introduced them as Rite Pool’s legs and RITE POOL And IZZY DEDLEY They’re the life of the party RITE POOL With the rheumatism with the corns and the ingrown toenails IZZY DEDLEY They’re telling jokes about peg legs about long roads about tight shoes RITE POOL Those wretches IZZY DEDLEY Everyone’s laughing Suarez Mileto and Diaz They’ve put aside the onions RITE POOL Lousy loudmouths IZZY DEDLEY What are we going to do jokes so hard to come by and now with your legs RITE POOL Damned rheumatics So charming That you can’t help but watch them them and their ingrown toenails IZZY DEDLEY Oh Rite What are we going to do RITE POOL We’ll take them on IZZY DEDLEY A pair of legs your legs RITE POOL After all we’ve always been a comic and a half Scene 5 At the Three Trapped Tigers, Rite Pool’s dynamic legs dance, holding the attention of the three trapped patrons, who have by now given up the knife and the onion for tired and incoherent laughs. The barmaid has changed direction (and sex), turning into the bouncer. Behind the crowd Dedley (from above) and Rite (from below) a table watch the show. RITE POOL It’s them Dedley Look at their corns The rheumatism They have wit down to their toenails IZZY DEDLEY They’re beautiful Rite BOUNCER Have you paid yet Dedley pays the bouncer. Rite Pool moves toward the bouncer. RITE POOL Those are my legs BOUNCER How should I know They just hired me go ahead and complain to them to them anyway What do you have to complain about You only pay half The bouncer exits. RITE POOL Come on do something Something desperate IZZY DEDLEY Desperate RITE POOL As if they were yours And you wanted them back IZZY DEDLEY You want me to steal them RITE POOL It’s pointless They’ll just run off again Why not tell a joke Dedley blocks the view of the show being putting on by Rite Pool’s legs. IZZY DEDLEY What are they doing They’re waiting Like those two fleas outside the movies RITE POOL No not that IZZY DEDLEY And they don’t know whether to head off on foot Or to wait for a dog SUAREZ Get out DIAZ Move it MILETO Go rot IZZY DEDLEY They’re annoyed cause in the ugly pageant they got kicked out for being pros RITE POOL That’s not it either The bouncer comes back with a whip in his hand. SUAREZ Get out DIAZ Move it MILETO Go rot RITE POOL Out of the way knock-knees Dedley looks down at his knees and gets out of the way. The bouncer swings the whip against the legs and they resume their dance. The three trapped patrons get back to their laughing. IZZY DEDLEY It’s useless Rite I think I’ll let my legs go too After all, I’ve never much liked my knees RITE POOL No doubt Come on–pick me up Dedley picks up Rite and places him on his knee as if he were a ventriloquist’s doll. The legs stop dancing. The bouncer hits them with the whip but they don’t respond. BOUNCER To Rite Stop it Let them dance The bouncer continues whipping them, but there’s no response. BOUNCER Let them work The three trapped patrons turn around to see who the bouncer is addressing, and discover the other half of Rite Pool. SUAREZ It’s Rite Pool RITE POOL It’s not the sum of him It’s the remainder DIAZ It’s Rite Pool’s other half RITE POOL The one that speaks and thinks DEDLEY It’s Rite Pool’s torso MILETO That speaks That tells jokes SUAREZ One about blacks DIAZ One about midgets MILETO One about teachers who don’t like gimps IZZY DEDLEY Why have him tell how his legs left him SUAREZ Sure DIAZ That one SUAREZ With their farewell note RITE POOL One day I woke up and they’d taken off Everyone laughs and the Bouncer continues knocking around the legs, but to no avail. RITE POOL But they left me a note And since then I always carry it with me Rite pulls out the note and reads it. PS we got bored MILETO What would your third grade teacher say if she saw you now RITE POOL She’d be sorry she hadn’t kicked me The bouncer succeeds in getting a response from Rite Pool’s legs and the dance resumes. Everyone at the Three Trapped Tigers shifts their attention toward them, even Dedley, who abandons Rite underneath the table. RITE POOL One day I had a dream The legs captivate everyone with their dance. No one pays any attention to Rite’s other half. The tigers weren’t trapped The table at home had four legs Van Gogh had sold all of his paintings The legs start to get tired. The bouncer hits them with the whip which kicks them back into gear. Solemnity did not exist. The legs dance sluggishly. Nor did bad rhymes The legs collapse exhausted. And I The Bouncer whips them again and again without getting any reaction. I kept on without legs Everyone turns toward Rite and roars with laughter. RITE POOL What are you laughing at No one stops. RITE POOL What are you laughing at SUAREZ It’s Rite Pool DIAZ No Half of Rite Pool MILETO It’s not the sum It’s the remainder IZZY DEDLEY It’s Rite Pool’s torso SUAREZ What size RITE POOL It could’ve been Olympic But now It’s nothing but a two-bit tin bucket DIAZ Rite Pool RITE POOL You want to hear a joke MILETO Rite Pool RITE POOL You want to hear a joke Silence. IZZY DEDLEY Tell it, Rite Come on Rite says nothing. Scene 6 Rite sits on the bed that looks like Van Gogh’s. In front of the bed, an easel with a still life. RITE POOL One day I had a dream But I woke up I woke up and I heard the news Miss Wheelchair 2007 rises to collect her prize And to certify that they were valid invalids The finalists were forced to dance but they couldn’t They were forced but they couldn’t or so I heard it’s very much on my mind He gets up from the bed. He puts one leg and then the other on the floor. He heads toward the easel. These days I prefer to focus on my paintings He takes the brush and starts to paint. Still lifes do sometimes sell In the end One has to justify one’s existence Oranges Lemons Grapefruit Limes Citrus Just citrus I never paint pictures of flowers Even though they sell very well I don’t like them Even though they sell very well Enough to buy you an entire body if need be It wouldn’t matter if you were already dead So I’m drawn to citrus Oranges Lemons Grapefruit Limes What can you do Cancer and AIDS and other illnesses remain incurable We’ll emerge from the crisis in twenty years and Miss Wheelchair will rise to accept her prize As for me, I’d rather focus on my oranges my lemons grapefruit and limes Citrus Only citrus And life Life is dying of thirst. Rite pulls out his laugh track and starts it up. He continues painting.